


I’m Driven By Guilt.

by mitchellhighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 06:21:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19458172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitchellhighway/pseuds/mitchellhighway
Summary: Ben and Callum’s affair is still going on until one person has some unexpected news and while another is suffering from guilt and attempts to do something about it.





	I’m Driven By Guilt.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I thought of this fanfic idea during a depressive episode of mine. Who’d thought, eh? Anyway, it was difficult to write, due to triggering content but I’m also glad I wrote it as it can show awareness on the male mental state of mind and how they self harm too. I also added in a little flashback of a certain scene in there, too which contains slurs of homophobia (and can I just say, I HATED writing it) but I think it goes quite well. Anyway, I’ve rambled on, I hope you enjoy this very sad and emotional fic and I can say I’m quite proud of it. Be sure to comment any thoughts you have. 
> 
> Also please follow me Twitter: (mitcheIIhighway) the two l’s are capital i’s. And my Tumblr: (mitchellshighways). Thank you and enjoy!

“We can’t keep doing this, Ben.” Whispers Callum, placing the surface of his thumb on Ben’s face, stroking the blossoming pale rosy cheeks. 

“We can. No one has to know.” Ben whispers back, reaching his hand out to touch Callum’s, which was placed on his cheek. Gripping Callum’s hand, he pulled it away from his own face and dropped it down by his waist, his vibrant blue eyes remained with Callum’s. 

Huffing out a loud sigh, Ben begins to slightly shake his head, in denial and disbelief that Callum wants it to stop.

Callum’s eyes widened at Ben’s statement, gasping in a shocking manner. “I will. I know. It’s eating me alive, Ben. I’m driven by guilt.” Feeling his chest thumping as his heart was vigorously beating, he began to hyperventilate. Panic as he couldn’t live with the guilt of cheating on Whitney, a woman who he loves but cares for or coming out as a gay man, frightened of what may happen to Ben, a man who he’s in love with who deserves a kind soul.

Ben could see the panic and anxiety written all over Callum’s face, tilting his head and squinting his eyes, Ben placed his palm on Callum’s chest, feeling the heartbeat punch against his palm. “Shh, shh, shh. Take deep breaths, Callum. It’s okay. . .I understand you want it to end, I respect that, as much as it pains me.” Ben uttered, dropping his head down as he finished his statement, his voice breaking in a melancholic tone. 

All he wanted was for Callum to calm down and breathe. 

As Callum was beginning to calm down, his gleaming eyes looked down on Ben, who was silent but still reassuring. “Ben. . .I don’t want you to get hurt. Just. . .Just let me find myself first. Properly.” Reaching his hands out towards Ben’s chin, Callum tenderly lifted up Ben’s face and leaned in for a passionate and comforting kiss.

As their tongues collided in each other’s mouths, Ben stood higher on his tiptoes to reach more to Callum’s height, running his masculine fingers through Callum’s dark, gelled and luscious hair; moaning quietly through their passion filled kiss, Callum then lowered his body, more to Ben’s height and also placed his hand upon Ben’s face, cupping it as he lovingly caressed Ben’s cheek with his thumb and index finger. 

As Callum felt the kiss become deeper in passion, he had to pull away. He was going against everything he was panicking about earlier. 

Grunts of frustration and resistance had echoed through the sparse, abandoned room, Callum tightened his grip with Ben’s face and was pulling away, or so he thought he was. 

“No, no. Stop!” Callum mumbled, his tongue still dancing with Ben’s, his tone of voice was melancholic and regretful. 

Sighing with anger, Ben pulled away and dropped his head down low, clearing his throat as he adjusted his leather jacket and stormed outside. 

**

Alone with Whitney, she screeched as she came out of the bathroom and raised her hands in the air, a wide joyous smile painted upon her lips. 

“We’re pregnant!” Whitney screams with delight, showing Callum the positive pregnancy test. “Look!” Shoving it in Callum’s face, his smile dropped depressingly. Shocked and ridden with guilt after his affair with Ben.

Panicking to himself, he felt his chest demonically thump in his chest, needing some air to breathe, he nervously chuckled and ran outside the flat, slamming the door shut.

SLAM!

All these voices from the army were haunting him. His love affair with Whitney and Ben were haunting him. He was driven by so much guilt, he couldn’t handle the pain anymore.

Heavily breathing, Callum continued to sprint across the Walford Market and make his way to an abandoned alleyway. As he slumped down on the damp, dirty concrete floor, Callum reached his hand into his blazer pocket and pulled out his razer blade. Gulping as he began to just slowly roll up his sleeve, panting violently as the tears streamed down his face, anger and pain building up inside his body. He placed the lining of the blade on his forearm, horizontally, and began to press deep into his skin until he no longer saw his skin color. Pigmented to a crimson, bright red, Callum winced a little as he felt the blade pierce into his skin. He somehow felt better already. It was a quiet and peaceful moment for him, until Ben saw him.

**

Strolling through the Walford Market, Ben heard muffled and instinct wails and panicked breathing, turning his head and vision towards the dark alleyway, Ben squinted his vision to assure his eyes that if it was Callum or not.

“Callum?” Ben questions, slowly making his way to inside the slim figured alleyway. “Callum, what’s wrong?” As he got closer to Callum, Ben witnessed a sharp blade.

As he saw the blade shine through a small gleam of light and reflect through the alleyway passage, Ben swiftly walked faster and snatched the blade out of Callum’s hand.

“What are you doing? Leave me alone!” Callum roared, his head lifting up quickly as he felt rage burn through to his demeanour, just like the day when Ben knew Callum’s secret. “Give it back to me!” He attempted to snatch back at Ben, wanting the pain to stop. 

Ben resisted, pulling the blade further away from his reach, scowling as it was paining him seeing someone he loves harm himself. “No, before you do something you regret. Again.”

Callum sighed, dropping his head in shame as felt his cheeks jiggle from burning fury and anguish he was experiencing. “You don’t. . .You don’t understand, Ben.” Callum whimpered, his voice almost to a slight whisper as he looked down on his bleeding arm, slapping his palm on top to stop the bleeding.

“Then make me understand, Callum. I can’t stand seeing you like this!” Ben admitted, kneeling down to get closer to Callum, his gleaming azure eyes focused on Callum and his wounds. “You shouldn’t be doing this to yourself.” Ben presses his lips together, shaking his cranium in disbelief that he witnessed Callum do this to himself.

Callum was silent, for some prolonged seconds, until he only just realized that Ben was right in front of him, just a few millimetres away. Numb from his mental state, which was driving him to do this harm in the first place, his body was shaking as he finally spoke, in a stutter. “Whit. . .Sh–She’s pregnant. With my kid.” He swallowed hard as he then kept looking back and forth at his arm wounds. “The scream she did, it reminded me of the army. I–It reminded me of when they found out that he wa—” 

Interrupting, Ben stopped Callum from talking as he could see and witness Callum struggling. Sighing anxiously, Ben turned around to double check that no one could see them as the instinct and loud chatter from everyone at the Walford Market was loud. 

Feeling his eyes burn as the salty liquids formed in his corneas, Callum tightened his hand around his wounds as he felt the pain again, whimpering in anguish as he bit down on his bottom lip. “This is all my fault.” Callum gritted, the tears walking down his dried cheeks as they quickly absorbed. “Whit. You. The army.” Shaking his head, his throat became tender with the tears that was building up, causing his voice to break some more.

Ben moved just a bit closer to Callum, gently placing his palm on Callum’s own, stroking the back of Callum’s hand with the back of his thumb. Inhaling through his nasal conducts, Ben then spoke in an exhale, his eyes looking down on Callum’s blood smothered arm. “Come with me to the car lot and I’ll see if I can clean you up.” Compressing his lips into a forceful but reassuring smile, Ben whispered and swallowed aggressively as he, too, was resisting tears.

Ben was looking for a way to the car lot without getting seen or questioned by anyone that was working or experimenting around the Walford Market.

In a gasp, Ben was slowly clocking an idea on how to get to the car lot as he realized he could go the car lot through the back alleyway exit. “This way!” Wrapping his hands around Callum’s biceps and lifted him.

Callum winced in pain as he felt too numb and depressed to even carry his own body weight up. His eyes were fading from his orginal saturation to a sore red from all the crying he did. His cheeks drenched with the tears that streamed down his face, his hands sticky with the dried blood that he had tried to stop as he sliced his skin with the razor blade; his forearm was throbbing with pain at every palpitation. 

As Ben kept Callum’s body steady, he felt Callum’s head droop onto his shoulders as he was feeling unsteady and starting to zone out into a near unconsciousness. “You’re gonna be okay, Callum.” His speech was broken and hoarse as he hated seeing Callum like this, and he felt guilty for even being involved in the affair; it wasn’t fair on Whitney and it wasn’t fair on Callum, who was being eaten away by his own guilt and own post traumatic stress disorder from his time in the army. 

Limply walking closer to the car lot, Ben was getting more concerned as Callum was becoming pale and more pale at every step. Scrolling his now blurred vision on Callum’s wounds, Ben was unaware of how deep Callum had cut and it was cornering and a panicking moment, causing Ben to limp faster with Callum’s soon–to–be unconscious body weight against his own. “Callum, come on. Stay with me!” Gritting his pearly dentures at Callum as he spoke, he grunted as he was getting closer and closer to the car lot. His heart was disruptively punching itself in his chest at every breath he took. 

He reached his free hand to his denim jean pocket, pulling out his mobile phone and quickly swiped his unlocking pattern on the screen, opening the number pad, dialing ‘999’ as he seeked and craved an emergency help for Callum, who was fading into a deeper unconsciousness as the seconds passed. “Come on, come on. . .” Ben uttered, reaching the phone to his ear and heard a few rings until they answered.

“Hello, 999 what’s your emergency?” The woman spoke, in a kind and concerning tone.

“Hi, I need an ambulance to the Walford Car Lot. Instantly. Someone’s cut himself and he’s. . .he’s bleeding to death and is turning pale and—” Cutting himself short, he felt his heart sink in his chest as he getting more panicked with Callum’s situation. Inhaling deeply, he continued to finish his statement. “—and he’s becoming unconscious. Please. I need help.”

As Ben finished his phone call, the emergency department had responded back, assuring Ben as he panicked. “Don’t worry, sir. Someone is on their way and will be there shortly. Please stay with the victim, as he can’t be left alone. Stay inside and keep an eye out for our team.”

Hearing the reassuring words from the emergency team had put Ben into a short position of ease until he felt Callum collapse out of his grip and fall to the floor, officially unconscious. 

They had reached the car lot, Ben got his keys and his hands were trembling as he attempted to unlock the doors, being paranoid that someone would see him and Callum, and assume the worst. Finally succeeding to unlock the door, Ben placed both hands under each arm of Callum and tenderly dragged him back up, to rest on his shoulders, as he adjusted him to be placed on the small sofa that was always abandoned for paperwork. 

Hyperventilating, Ben rushed to close the door behind him and went to the blinds of the window, twisted his wrist as he made them open where it was visible for sunlight to gleam through the room and for him to see the ambulance. “It’s gonna be okay, Callum.” Gulping tremendously, Ben kneeled down to Callum, as he lay on the small sofa, and grabbed his arm, keeping his luminous azure eyes on the deep cut, widening his eyes in shock of the density of it. “You’re an idiot, did you know that?” Shaking his head in disbelief and denial of the moment he was in, it was giving Ben the constant reminder of what happened that night when Paul was beaten to death.

**

“You bunch of faggots.” Screamed one male, the laughter of his friends echoed with the words he spoke.

As their hands were intertwined, Ben swiftly turned his head, fury written all over his facial features as he then felt Paul’s shoulder nudge him, assuring him. “Ignore them, Ben.” Paul whispered, his wide smile glued upon his thin lips, comforting Ben to leave it alone. 

Ben sighed as he knew Paul was right, like he was all the time. “Yeah.” Whispered Ben, turning back around again to continue walking, their hands still intertwined, despite the comments.

“You queers!” Screamed the male again, chuckling with a villainous tone, soon following the two.

Continuing to walk ahead, it wasn’t long until Ben exploded, emotionally, and fought back verbally, throwing threats. “Yeah? You wanna say that to my face before I knock it out of you?” Gritting his teeth as he spoke, Ben loosened his grip of Paul’s hand and tensed his muscles as he witnessed the vile men approach him.

“Try me. . .You faggot.” Smiled the male, a wide smirk planted upon him as he continued to provoke Ben and his anger.

Clenching his fists, Ben compressed his lips together and laughed in cunning way and attempted to swing for the homophobic man, until it backfired. 

THUMP!

Ben fell to the floor, his nose bloodied from the punch as he looked to Paul, signaling him to run.

“Paul. RUN!” Ben screamed, his voice cracked as he felt a kick to his abdomen, causing Ben to cry and grunt in anguish, coughing in small syllables.

Paul attempted to run, only to be stopped by three men who punched and beaten Paul to the floor.

Ben struggled to get up and help Paul as all he could hear was Paul’s wailing and cries. Feeling helpless, Ben crawled to stand up, noticing how he realized how Paul’s cries and pleads were becoming quieter and quieter until it was silence. As that moment came to an end, the vicious men ran away, their loud laughs echoed around the dark alleyway.

Covered in bruises and blood, Paul was deceased at the scene as he was beaten to death. His arm reached out in the direction of where Ben was.

“Paul. P–Paul.” Ben attempted to call out, seeing the man he loved dead, bruised and covered in blood, unable to recognise him anymore. As the realization hit him, Ben ran away and kept on running until he couldn’t no more.

This was all his fault. He sensed it was all his fault.

**

The sirens wailed across the corner of Walford street and designated itself to the car lot, which the address was what Ben spoke to the emergency department. 

Shooting his body up off the ground, Ben rushed to open the door to let the paramedics in to assist Callum. “In here!” Ben uttered, reaching his arm out in the direction where Callum was lying unconsciously. “He cut himself and then. . .just bled and passed out. I didn’t know what to do.” Ben whimpered, his throat sore from the lump of resisted tears that was forming and then turned to the female and male paramedic, forcefully curving a genuine smile towards them, in a thankful manner. “Thank you!” He gulped and stood behind as they continued to finish their work on Callum.

“Are you wanting to come with him in the ambulance, to the hospital?” Asked the male paramedic, a tone of curiosity slipped off his tongue, as Ben nodded his heavy head. 

“Right, we’ve given him a blood transfusion to give back the blood he’s already lost and we’re now making our way to the hospital.” The female paramedic blurted out, informing a worried and anxious Ben on what was to happen.

**

Tick tock. The clock ticked and was anxiously causing Ben to explode with heated rage as the waiting was ridiculous. Sitting in the waiting rooms as he pended for news and approval to stay in Callum’s room, he heard muffled footsteps as they soon came to a halt as they approached him. 

“Sir, are you a relative of Mr Highway?” Asked the doctor, giving Ben no hesitation to answer back, nodding his head in a sharp motion.

“Yes. I’m his partner.” Confessed the young male, shooting his body weight off the seat, as it was eating him up inside how it wasn’t an official romantic partnership but Ben spoke what was on his mind.

“If you’d come with me, I can take you in to see him.” The doctor spoke with a genuine manner of kindness and concern as he could sense the worry from Ben.

Clearing his throat to assist him to speak back, he mumbled and whispered back as he stepped forward and walked just a centimetre behind the doctor. “Thank you, doctor.” He whispered, a small grateful smile blooming upon the corners of his thin, rosy tinted margins.

Approaching Callum’s hospital room, Ben’s eyes widened as he saw how Callum was hooked on a machine and having tubes tied left, right and centre while his arm was bandaged.

“He’s in stable condition, therefore he will be in and out due to the drugs. Call us if you need anything!” The doctor spoke, a small smile in contact with Ben as Ben smiled back and nodded his head in a signal of his gratitude; now leaving the room, it was just them alone and it was time for Ben to open up.

Walking to Callum’s bedside, Ben reached his hand out and placed it Callum’s, dropping his rear end on the chair that was placed beside him; whispering quietly, he intertwined their fingers together and let out a melancholic sigh, releived that Callum is okay.

“Callum. Callum, it’s me. I was so scared of losing you today, I didn’t know what to do. You scared me. You made me think you died. . .” Pausing his own sentence, he inhaled through his nose, exhaling through his parted lips as he was continuing what he was saying. “When I first saw you, I thought you were a pawn in my game but after that day where you punched me, you made me realize you’re not someone to play with. I was always so rude to you when you didn’t deserve. I felt something when I was with you, something I haven’t felt. . .something I haven’t felt since Paul. When I said I see you, I meant it. I see you and the thing is, you see me too. I was never going to out you. Never. As I told you once, I’ve been there before. You helped me become the person I always wanted to be. You helped me open up about my dad and I helped you open up about yours but I never truly knew what it felt like to love someone again like I loved Paul.” As he voice suddenly began to croak, his oesophagus became sore and tender due to the lump that was formed, causing his every breath to hurt. 

Tears burned in his vivid blue eyes, soon running down the surface of his cheeks, trickling down onto the hospital bed, the snowy white duvet absorbing the salty liquid. Looking down on Callum’s arm, he blamed himself like he blamed himself when Paul was murdered; stroking Callum’s hand with the back of his thumb, he placed his palm under Callum’s hand and lifted it, just slightly, to reach his lips, kissing the back of his hand. 

“I love you and I’m sorry you did this because of me. I was pressuring you when you’re with Whitney, and she doesn’t deserve this neither. I’ve been an idiot. My dad is right. I am a failure and a disgrace.”

It was silent for some time, for around thirty seconds, until Ben heard a groan and shot his head up to look at Callum, who was waking up, tired eyes and slurred speech.

His vision blurred and his brain mushed from the drugs he was on, Callum couldn’t see who was sitting beside him but he wanted it to be Ben. 

“B–Ben. . .Ben.” Callum stuttered and mumbled, attempting to keep his eyes open, feeling some kind of touch on his hand.

Ben’s eyes widened and the tears formed more regular as he whispered back to Callum, reaching his hand into the dark black strands of hair that was on Callum’s head. “Yeah. It’s me. It’s Ben!” Gulping in a nervous tone, Ben then couldn’t resist to kiss Callum, thankful for making Ben a better person that he always has been.

Pushing his body off the chair, Ben rested one hand behind Callum’s neck and kept his other hand intertwined and leaned in, hustling his rosy tinted lips on Callum’s own, closing his eyes as he deepened the mutual passion.

After a few long lustful seconds, Ben pulled away, only centimetres away from Callum’s face, smiled widely and then spoke the truest words that he hasn’t said in two years. “I love you!” Cupping Callum’s face, he set his lips on Callum’s again as then kept stroking Callum’s cheeks with the back of his thumbs.

Callum limply placed his hand behind Ben’s head, running his fingers through his curled locks, now is the one pulling away and slurred the words back. “I love you, too!”

And when he said these three words to Ben, he meant the three words. He meant it from the bottom of his heart and he wasn’t going to hide it anymore.


End file.
